I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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