Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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