nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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