please come you make the beer taste better
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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