i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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