That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
