i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
