Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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