So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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