my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
