Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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