We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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