In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
