Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
