I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
