it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
