i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
