so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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