woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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