If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
this boner is exhausting
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
