my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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