last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
