She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
