how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
