Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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