We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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