I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
we're so committed to being not committed
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize