How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
