make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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