You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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