sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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