I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
