If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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