So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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