How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize