I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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