I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
