So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
