About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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