this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
