We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
