I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
