life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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