So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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