apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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