This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You took a bar mat shot.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
