I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize