When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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