i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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