Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
