i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
