I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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