i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
