yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
