Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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