the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
