i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
