nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
