My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
do herpes really smell.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
