dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
