I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize