it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
