Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
